Well, I truly meant to write in this a little more often. Oops. Guess that is what happens though.
Well. Almost everything turned out great! We were married by a district justice, we had a great beautiful rain free outdoor ceremony.
It WAS vegetarian. And no one rioted over it.
We did NOT have the chicken dance played. And no one rioted.
I wore a fair dress, not a white dress. And no one rioted! (Although, the lady that made it fucked up royally and I spent the whole night before the wedding trying to fix it. She made two of my bridesmaids dresses, too, and it was not pretty. To say the least, she was not paid. It was a nightmare. But one of my bridesmaids came through in a pinch and fixed mine, and our neighbore fixed one of the other ones.)
Mike and I fought a bit, but we were super stressed out. So it was bound to happen.
We improve'd our vows. Made em up on the spot. Yup. And they were all about respecting, and partnership, and equality.
We mixed up genders. He had groomswomen, and I had a bridesman. It was awesome. So when the DJ got to say "Tracey escorting Ashlee" (same sex pairing), and then "Tracy escorting Hunter" (reversal of roles), it was pretty awesome.
No throwing of the bouquet or garter. No old/new/borrowed/blue (although it would have been AWESOME if a TARDIS had shown up to our wedding!). I was not "given away" by my dad, I walked down the aisle all on my own.
The groomsmen/women and bridesmaids/man all escorted each other down the aisle. Then men were not waiting for us at the alter. Mike walked down the aisle. I walked down the aisle. (Although the groomspeople did escort parents/grandparents and then run back around to the back.) Our groomspeople/bridespeople danced/tangoed/ect down the aisle, and it was super cool. Sam and Russ did the tango, it was awesome. She even put her bouquet in her mouth!
OHH! I made all the jewelry. I made all the bouquets. I made all the boutonniers. It was epic. It was so nice knowing that I didn't shell out an arm and a leg for that stuff, and it still looked awesome. Mike's Dad made the cupcakes, and there was a joint frosting / sprinkle effort.
So. That is about all I can think of right now. Here's to a feminist marriage!
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Not A Feminist?
Labels. Let's talk about them.
The label of "Marxist Feminist," for example. Does my getting married cancel out my desire to call myself a Marxist feminist? No. It doesn't. I still find capitalism abhorrent. I still want to throw off the shackles of oppression and run free in a world where I am valued for my brain and wit, and not for the size of my waist. Yes, I am having a wedding. Yes, some people spend tens of thousands on weddings. Yes, sometimes people can get super consummerist while planning their wedding and throw fits if they do not have everything just so. I am not doing that though. My fiance and I have a budget. 95% of that budget is providing a meal to our guests. 3% is providing our guests with alcoholic beverages. 2% of it is getting a dress and a suit and renting out the space and paying the district justice and making the space look pretty. Most of our expenses are providing things for our guests. Not ourselves.
Yes, we have a registry. We did not want one, but my family is super conservative and refused to send checks to Planned Parenthood and Human Rights Campaign. As we found out, being poor, allowing people to help you out and get you things you need to start out is actually nice. At my showers thing weekend I got silverware and plates and cooking utensils. It was nice, I never could have gotten these things on my own. Don't worry, what cash we get will be donated somewhere. (Our covert way of getting people to donate without them knowing).
Yes, we are going on a honeymoon. But we aren't booking expensive hotel rooms and the like. We are going camping or renting a small cabin or both. We are going hiking. And we will probably be doing this around D.C. so we can go to the free museums and the free zoo.
But I am getting tired of people telling me I am not a real marxist feminist because I am getting married. Yes, marriage is a system that privileges one set of people over another. Yes, it was long used to oppress women and force them into servitude, and all that jazz. As Lisa Miya-Jervis, from Ms. Magazine, said in 2000:
However, feminists can claim marriage for themselves, we can throw off history, break marriage in half and remake it in our image. Feminists seem to be opposed to marriage when it is between a man and a woman, but are also fighting so desperately to bring marriage to queer couples. Is this not a double standard? If lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, genderqueer, ect couples see marriage as a valid institution worth fighting for, than why should it not be? These couples do not see marriage as the domination of one partner over the other. I do not, either.
My partner and I are very untraditional, and we think there is a way of making our marriage untraditional, too. Why can't marriage work for us, too? We are both feminists. We are both strong-willed individuals who understand that the other person has needs, and respect that.
Finally, the label thing. If someone wants to claim a label, it cannot and should not be revoked by other people without true cause. For instance, just because I am getting married does not mean I am not a feminist. Valenti did it, I think I can, too. I am not giving in to patriarchy. I am fully aware of the history of marriage, of the long standing abuses made in the name of marriage, and the structural violence perpetuated by marriage. But I am changing that, I am going to be a visible example of a wife who works and persues her own career, who keeps her own name, who negotiates with her husband on a level playing field, and is in all respects an equal. No one can take the label of feminist away from me.
I realize that Sarah Palin has also claimed to be a feminist, and she clearly isn't. Her beliefs do not line up with the feminist world view. So, yes, a lot of people claimed she was not a real feminist, and took the label away from her. However, I have taken women's studies courses. I have attended conferences, marches, rallies, and read all the books, subscribe to Ms., read feministing. I have visited Karl Marx's house! I think I can call myself a Marxist. Part of feminism is to make sure women can form their identities independent of men. Let me do that. Let me have an identity. Let me define myself.
The label of "Marxist Feminist," for example. Does my getting married cancel out my desire to call myself a Marxist feminist? No. It doesn't. I still find capitalism abhorrent. I still want to throw off the shackles of oppression and run free in a world where I am valued for my brain and wit, and not for the size of my waist. Yes, I am having a wedding. Yes, some people spend tens of thousands on weddings. Yes, sometimes people can get super consummerist while planning their wedding and throw fits if they do not have everything just so. I am not doing that though. My fiance and I have a budget. 95% of that budget is providing a meal to our guests. 3% is providing our guests with alcoholic beverages. 2% of it is getting a dress and a suit and renting out the space and paying the district justice and making the space look pretty. Most of our expenses are providing things for our guests. Not ourselves.
Yes, we have a registry. We did not want one, but my family is super conservative and refused to send checks to Planned Parenthood and Human Rights Campaign. As we found out, being poor, allowing people to help you out and get you things you need to start out is actually nice. At my showers thing weekend I got silverware and plates and cooking utensils. It was nice, I never could have gotten these things on my own. Don't worry, what cash we get will be donated somewhere. (Our covert way of getting people to donate without them knowing).
Yes, we are going on a honeymoon. But we aren't booking expensive hotel rooms and the like. We are going camping or renting a small cabin or both. We are going hiking. And we will probably be doing this around D.C. so we can go to the free museums and the free zoo.
But I am getting tired of people telling me I am not a real marxist feminist because I am getting married. Yes, marriage is a system that privileges one set of people over another. Yes, it was long used to oppress women and force them into servitude, and all that jazz. As Lisa Miya-Jervis, from Ms. Magazine, said in 2000:
Marriage's bad reputation among feminists is certainly not without reason. We all know the institution's tarnished history: women as property passed from father to husband; monogamy as the simplest way to assure paternity and thus produce "legitimate" children; a husband's legal entitlement to his wife's domestic and sexual services. With marriage rates falling and social sanctions against cohabitation falling away, why would a feminist choose to take part in such a retro, potentially oppressive, bigotedly exclusive institution?
However, feminists can claim marriage for themselves, we can throw off history, break marriage in half and remake it in our image. Feminists seem to be opposed to marriage when it is between a man and a woman, but are also fighting so desperately to bring marriage to queer couples. Is this not a double standard? If lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, genderqueer, ect couples see marriage as a valid institution worth fighting for, than why should it not be? These couples do not see marriage as the domination of one partner over the other. I do not, either.
My partner and I are very untraditional, and we think there is a way of making our marriage untraditional, too. Why can't marriage work for us, too? We are both feminists. We are both strong-willed individuals who understand that the other person has needs, and respect that.
Finally, the label thing. If someone wants to claim a label, it cannot and should not be revoked by other people without true cause. For instance, just because I am getting married does not mean I am not a feminist. Valenti did it, I think I can, too. I am not giving in to patriarchy. I am fully aware of the history of marriage, of the long standing abuses made in the name of marriage, and the structural violence perpetuated by marriage. But I am changing that, I am going to be a visible example of a wife who works and persues her own career, who keeps her own name, who negotiates with her husband on a level playing field, and is in all respects an equal. No one can take the label of feminist away from me.
I realize that Sarah Palin has also claimed to be a feminist, and she clearly isn't. Her beliefs do not line up with the feminist world view. So, yes, a lot of people claimed she was not a real feminist, and took the label away from her. However, I have taken women's studies courses. I have attended conferences, marches, rallies, and read all the books, subscribe to Ms., read feministing. I have visited Karl Marx's house! I think I can call myself a Marxist. Part of feminism is to make sure women can form their identities independent of men. Let me do that. Let me have an identity. Let me define myself.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
New Deets
So. Things have changed, though.
We were kinda told we needed a registry. So what ever cash we get will be donated.
I will not be in a dress that I make. I picked out a pattern, but realized I didn't have the time to make it. So I thought I found someone to make it, but then my mom freaked out cause that person is supposedly going out of town and can't do it. Mom said she would find someone else to make it, but now she is trying to force a pre-made dress on me.
The pattern I picked out for the little glitter girls has been shunned and it looks like they are getting pre-made dresses, too.
We have had wedding party disaster where he went a little crash and got a ton of people and I just wanted a few in mine. Realizing that we want our parties to dance down the aisle together, I was then put into a frenzy over etiquette of who to ask and how. Then I had a maid drop out (for legit reasons, she's awesome and going to save the world). So I decided against replacing her and just having uneven parties. But that resolved itself as he had one drop out, making us even!
We will be having a judge officiate, but hopefully having our wonderful community effort thing ma bob.
Mom is not handling the small wedding. She almost cancelled our reservation at Stephanies because she wanted to invite more people. I stopped her just in time.
I became a Mary Kay consultant in hopes of making a little money to pay for this.
And I am super jealous he gets a bachelor party that has wine tasting and a limo and he got a nook, too. Really jealous. Because I am sitting alone in my parents house freaking out and feeling super uncomfortable. And I just want to cuddle with him right now.
We were kinda told we needed a registry. So what ever cash we get will be donated.
I will not be in a dress that I make. I picked out a pattern, but realized I didn't have the time to make it. So I thought I found someone to make it, but then my mom freaked out cause that person is supposedly going out of town and can't do it. Mom said she would find someone else to make it, but now she is trying to force a pre-made dress on me.
The pattern I picked out for the little glitter girls has been shunned and it looks like they are getting pre-made dresses, too.
We have had wedding party disaster where he went a little crash and got a ton of people and I just wanted a few in mine. Realizing that we want our parties to dance down the aisle together, I was then put into a frenzy over etiquette of who to ask and how. Then I had a maid drop out (for legit reasons, she's awesome and going to save the world). So I decided against replacing her and just having uneven parties. But that resolved itself as he had one drop out, making us even!
We will be having a judge officiate, but hopefully having our wonderful community effort thing ma bob.
Mom is not handling the small wedding. She almost cancelled our reservation at Stephanies because she wanted to invite more people. I stopped her just in time.
I became a Mary Kay consultant in hopes of making a little money to pay for this.
And I am super jealous he gets a bachelor party that has wine tasting and a limo and he got a nook, too. Really jealous. Because I am sitting alone in my parents house freaking out and feeling super uncomfortable. And I just want to cuddle with him right now.
Haven't updated in forever!
Wedding is still on. Going to have a stag'n'drag as a means of helping to pay for it, and as a means of making sure we still get to hang out with all the people we didn't have room for.
Our rings are almost done!
We still have to write the vows and send out the invitations.
My godmother has been helping with the center pieces and what not.
And I hate bachelor parties. I do not understand them. Seeing strippers? Really? That is how you celebrate being happy about marrying the best person in your world? It is not a last night of freedom. That night was when you first met your special person!
I am getting tired of people trying to make it more traditional.
I am getting tired of all of it. I almost want to elope.
Our rings are almost done!
We still have to write the vows and send out the invitations.
My godmother has been helping with the center pieces and what not.
And I hate bachelor parties. I do not understand them. Seeing strippers? Really? That is how you celebrate being happy about marrying the best person in your world? It is not a last night of freedom. That night was when you first met your special person!
I am getting tired of people trying to make it more traditional.
I am getting tired of all of it. I almost want to elope.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Preliminary
So, over the weekend my partner and I decided to get married. First, it was a shock of "oh my gosh, we are getting *married*" to "shit, details."
I, the woman, mind you, proposed to him. There was no ring or ceremony, we were talking in my parents dining room while I was working on my senior project and he was reading the "Omnivores Dilemma." We have been together for about nine months, but, we think this is it. Both of us have had rough and abusive relationships, and we know what we want in a partner now.
A testament to society, I proposed via text message at first. It read approximately "Will you marry me? In the sense that it isn't patriarchal and by civil union? Or something like that.
He said yes! So, the Libra in me is finally coming out. Libras usually are the ones that dream of their wedding day since wee-bitty babies. Not me. I liked playing in dirt too much to run around in a white towel with a pillow case on my head. (Usually, I ran around with no clothes on at all, much to my mothers consternation).
But, now I am really excited about this. We picked his birthday as the date, because it is soon enough after my graduation, and well before I have to leave for Japan (JET Programme!!) And, it happens to be a Saturday, which is good.
Preliminary deets:
1. No gifts, no registry, just going to ask that our guests make a donation in our name to Planned Parenthood, or Lambda Legal PA. We want to give a short speech about why gay marriage is important to us (I identify as queer, firstly), and why it is important to ensure that everyone everywhere can form a legal attachment to the one they love. Further, PA has no protections for queer couples. So, it would be awesome if they did.
2. I will wear A dress, but NOT a wedding dress. No white. I would like it to be a dress that I make. That would be awesome. Functional, too. That I can wear again.
3. No priest. No church. No religion. The ceremony will be at the same place as the reception.
4. Everyone will get to read our vows to us! This is my little brain child here. My partner and I will make up around 20 to 30 little cards with promises - such as "i promise not to flip out when you bring home *another* cat" and "I promise I will always stand by you in difficult times" (both hilarious and sentimental)
5.) Hyphenated last names. I will be "Mylastname-histlastname" and his will be "hislastname-mylastname" so we BOTH get our names first.
6. Reception: buffet, first drink on us, every drink after that on the guest.
7. Rings! We will both be getting engagements rings. They will be, most likely, claddagh rings. We are both children of Irish "anchor babies" and both have claddagh rings already, but we want to get spiffy nice ones with engravings on them, and then also use them as our wedding rings. BUT they are not going to represent a "down payment" on a bride, or as a means of marking territory.
That is all the deets I got for now, I hope to keep this updated, and private, until we make the big announcment this holiday season! Oh boy!
Can my Catholic family do with a small wedding? Can they put up with a wedding OUTSIDE of the church? Will I be forced into a white dress against my will?
TO BE CONTINUED!
I, the woman, mind you, proposed to him. There was no ring or ceremony, we were talking in my parents dining room while I was working on my senior project and he was reading the "Omnivores Dilemma." We have been together for about nine months, but, we think this is it. Both of us have had rough and abusive relationships, and we know what we want in a partner now.
A testament to society, I proposed via text message at first. It read approximately "Will you marry me? In the sense that it isn't patriarchal and by civil union? Or something like that.
He said yes! So, the Libra in me is finally coming out. Libras usually are the ones that dream of their wedding day since wee-bitty babies. Not me. I liked playing in dirt too much to run around in a white towel with a pillow case on my head. (Usually, I ran around with no clothes on at all, much to my mothers consternation).
But, now I am really excited about this. We picked his birthday as the date, because it is soon enough after my graduation, and well before I have to leave for Japan (JET Programme!!) And, it happens to be a Saturday, which is good.
Preliminary deets:
1. No gifts, no registry, just going to ask that our guests make a donation in our name to Planned Parenthood, or Lambda Legal PA. We want to give a short speech about why gay marriage is important to us (I identify as queer, firstly), and why it is important to ensure that everyone everywhere can form a legal attachment to the one they love. Further, PA has no protections for queer couples. So, it would be awesome if they did.
2. I will wear A dress, but NOT a wedding dress. No white. I would like it to be a dress that I make. That would be awesome. Functional, too. That I can wear again.
3. No priest. No church. No religion. The ceremony will be at the same place as the reception.
4. Everyone will get to read our vows to us! This is my little brain child here. My partner and I will make up around 20 to 30 little cards with promises - such as "i promise not to flip out when you bring home *another* cat" and "I promise I will always stand by you in difficult times" (both hilarious and sentimental)
5.) Hyphenated last names. I will be "Mylastname-histlastname" and his will be "hislastname-mylastname" so we BOTH get our names first.
6. Reception: buffet, first drink on us, every drink after that on the guest.
7. Rings! We will both be getting engagements rings. They will be, most likely, claddagh rings. We are both children of Irish "anchor babies" and both have claddagh rings already, but we want to get spiffy nice ones with engravings on them, and then also use them as our wedding rings. BUT they are not going to represent a "down payment" on a bride, or as a means of marking territory.
That is all the deets I got for now, I hope to keep this updated, and private, until we make the big announcment this holiday season! Oh boy!
Can my Catholic family do with a small wedding? Can they put up with a wedding OUTSIDE of the church? Will I be forced into a white dress against my will?
TO BE CONTINUED!
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